06 4 / 2013


So, OK, fellas! Why can’t you talk about how foxy-looking that lady is—you know which one, right, the foxy one? That lady. Dag, she’s fine. What’s wrong with stating a basic fact, out loud, in public, so everyone can agree?

Because it’s rude, you idiots. Because what you’re saying is: Let’s stop thinking about her and start looking at her—everybody here in this room, have a look, check her out. Check it out.

People don’t actually like being looked at that way, on those terms. “I wouldn’t mind a nice compliment,” you say. The heck you wouldn’t, guys. Pretend a compliment on your looks is a cheeseburger. Who doesn’t like a delicious cheeseburger? Dudes love cheeseburgers.

Now suppose that every time you asked for anything, all day long, you got a cheeseburger. Hey, good morning, sleepyhead, here’s a cup of cheeseburger to wake you up. Lunchtime is a cheeseburger with a cheeseburger. Smoke break: Light up a cheeseburger. Get home and open that envelope from the Department of Motor Vehicles, and instead of your new license, they mailed you a cheeseburger. Looking for the remote? Have a cheeseburger.

Some of these are really inherently unappetizing cheeseburgers, too, by the way, cold school-lunch gristleburgers with unmelted cheese, but that barely even registers, because no one in years has even asked you if you want another fucking cheeseburger. You’re a dude; you get cheeseburgers. Everybody give this dude a cheeseburger!

And then the president of the United States comes by, and he praises your professional performance—as you do richly deserve, on your merits—and then he says, “Give it up for the cheeseburger guy!” and he shoves a cheeseburger in your mouth, in front of everybody.


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